Thursday, September 30, 2010

Highway Fashions with Mandy the Mannequin: Sorry, Mandy Who? Edition.

Oh Mandy, I have neglected to post about you for months. You're probably upset with me, and rightfully so, but I was just so busy getting corn rows and henna tattoos that the summer just seemed to evaporate. I never forgot to photograph you while you were out on the catwalk though. You're always an inspiration to me and my thousands of blog readers. (I have been getting constant emails wondering if you were okay. Last night, my pager went off 6 times with urgent messages from your fans). Let's take a look at a few of Mandy's thought provoking summer ensembles as well as her most recent look for fall 2010 (start montage music now):

Canada Day 2010
Yay our banking system is the best in the world and we're all still poor. Let's celebrate with some stuff made in China from the Dollar Store! Mandy is always pushing our comfort levels and that's why she's a fashion icon.


Mandy's Yard Sale 2010
I was SO excited when I drove past Mandy's house and saw huge neon yard sale signs: BIG SALE SATURDAY! I envisioned vintage cars for $50, piles of antiques and various other gems but to my horror... there was nothing but crap. WAY overpriced crap. Clearly this was stuff Mandy had tried to sell at 6 previous yard sales, unsuccessfully, which were then thrown back in a barn and kept for the next one. I must admit, I didn't think Mandy was capable of this sort of hoarding as I thought her taste was impeccable. As I lifted a broken, water logged clock with a $20 price tag on it I looked over at her in disgust. At that point I quickly realized she had been drinking (it was 6:45am).


In fact, she was tanked! I walked over and asked her if she had any mid century items or perhaps some old wooden crates or tin signs for sale and she just mumbled and spat, saying something about mass consumerism and how we're all sheep and that the world will soon blow up in a huge ball of (toxic) flames.


I didn't want to argue with her, as she was looking really pale and depressed. I tried to look into her eyes but they were vacant. So I told her I liked her outfit and left.


Mandy's Fall Ensemble 2010
Since the yard sale fiasco, I have been a bit sad every time I drove past Mandy's house. I worried I'd drive by one day to find one of her limbs had fallen off or her nose had swelled and turned bright red and lumpy. But no. She has managed to pull herself together (with the help of a weird cult in town) and she's looking better than ever.



She looks so refined and respectable, although fall clothes have a tendency to do that to people. I know when I dress in fall clothes I look like I'm about 750% smarter than I do in any other season.



Dark hair also makes you look smart (and less like an alcoholic). Throw in a sun hat with a ribbon and a cardigan and you'll get instant respect. Mandy is a genius of disguise.


Tuesday, September 21, 2010

My Purchases from The Skymall. (The greatest mall in the sky!)

I wanted to show you all of my amazing purchases that I made while flying through the air at 39,000 feet. It was just a miracle to have discovered Skymall magazine while on board as I would have been SO bored otherwise (I live to shop!). Who knew they would have so many amazing products that I needed all in one catalog! Here's a list of what I purchased:

The Facetrainer by No!No! (yea that's right, No!No!)
This is just a fantastic product that I can use daily to train my face. I am looking SO old these days and was just about to come home and get 600 shots of Botox but then I discovered this gem. I will get started on my exercises tomorrow. If it works well, I may just wear it all the time.

I have been getting so sick of all of my boring, practical floor lamps. Just before I picked up the catalog I was thinking, 'If only I could find a black floor lamp that is also a sculpture that is in the shape of a stylish woman'. Then, just like magic, here she is! She looks amazing with my 1980s modern Weekend at Bernie's decor.

Ever since swine flu and SARS, I cannot be without my hand sanitizers, gloves and white dust mask. This handy gadget takes my cleanliness to a whole new level. It can remove all germs from a 10 foot radius around me. I use it while I'm at the grocery store, at the dentist and my best friends all use it to remove their crabs! AMAZING.

Biggest loser? Where? Not here!! This amazing machine gets me to and from work and I look good doing it. I got a hot pink ETX 8R and I couldn't be happier. I've even managed to lose an 1/8th of a pound already. If I combine this with the Hollywood Cookie Diet I'll be one sexy lady in no time!

And finally, I just HAD to purchase this incredible chair. Let's face it, I'm short. When I go to rock and roll and new country concerts I just can't see for shit! If I'm at the movies or a hockey game I might as well be blind because of my midget body. Well my friends, that's all about to change. Now when I sit in my ramalamadingdong sports chair I can see over even the most famous basketball players. I can see over the statue of liberty AND the CN Tower at the same time all while my feet sway freely through the air because they cannot reach the ground. This is just pure genius and I just wish I had invented it so I'd make enough money to get leg extension surgery in China.

So there you have it. I could have spent SO much more at the Skymall but I had to limit myself. I will be saving up to buy a few more things though, including these gorgeous sculptural king crab chairs.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

The Tanners.

Before heading down to California I had the unfortunate experience of having California Girls looping through my head for a week. I don't think David Lee Roth had this in mind when he sang the (shitty) song, however...


I spent a few hours relaxing beside the pool at the hotel today and became OBSESSED with this weird old couple who were sitting across from me. How could I not get all paparazzi on these people when they look so eccentric/crazy/Love Boat!?


The dude was a genuine California Raisin and even sported a fancy 1980s wig with a bit of a mullet!


They took turns spraying on tanning oil when the other one would swim or roll over to a new position.


After each of his cat naps, the old guy would go and take a dip and then stroll around smiling at people all while being an awesome beach/cruise ship style dude (with brown, hairy, glistening boobs).


I may have to go out and wander around the hotel tonight looking for them again. I have a feeling they wear some pretty amazingly outrageous outfits (judging by her nails). 


I think they may be Karl Lagerfeld's parents!


Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Highway Fashions with Mandy the Mannequin: Swimsuit Edition

It's been REALLY hot here over the last few days (35 degrees in May is not normal in Ontario). Most people have been doing their best to stay cool - eating ice cream, wearing cut off jean shorts with a thong riding up from the back, drinking lots of beer and fruit coolers. You know, country people understand what it takes to stay cool at any cost. But what happens when you're made out of metal and plaster? What if your full time job was being a highway model? How do you stay cool when you're an inanimate object who has no choice but to bake in the sun all day long?
People always say being a model is a glamorous job but I'm sure Mandy would beg to differ on days like these.

I'm not sure how she does it but Mandy always knows how to be hot and cool all at the same time.

She....wore...an....

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Highway Fashions with Mandy the Mannequin: Denim Dream Edition



Mandy is looking stunning this week in her denim shift and partially dreaded locks...

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Highway Fashions with Mandy the Mannequin: Maneater Edition

Well hello Mandy. Is that rain coming down in buckets or what!? All of the women in town are scrambling to ensure that their hair doesn't go frizzy and their white t-shirts don't get too wet but, as usual, you're well-prepared.



The very next day...
Hi again Mandy! It sure was rainy yesterday, wasn't it? Good thing the sun is shining today and that summery feeling is back in full force. I must say, you're looking GOOD. I bet you've had a lot of honkers so far today...

(In case you're wondering what the deal is with the beautiful roadside attraction, read this).

Friday, April 9, 2010

Things Are Getting Hairy...

I will start by saying that I hate beards. I especially hate goatees and non-ironic (and ironic) moustaches. I've spent the better part of my life making fun of ZZ Top so I'm not going to get all into hairy faces now. But here I sit, smitten by the artistry of these...um...pubic faces pictured below. For years I have enjoyed the photos from the World Beard and Moustache Championships and I am looking forward to seeing the insanity next year when they take place again.











This all leads me to think - are there hair contests? Like contests for shiniest hair, curliest, longest, thickest...if not, maybe there should be. I bet that could get really weird and interesting.


Or what about a contest for hairiest body? Um...eww. Maybe that's a bad idea.